I miss wanting to be awake

I miss when I was 12 and at night I couldn't sleep because of the excitement that in the morning our science teacher would take us out for a field trip. I miss being so into a book that I would stay up until I finished reading it. Everything seems so bland now. I'm 27 now and everything is tiring. I miss wanting to be awake.

She seeked happiness once

She wants to start over. She needs a new life. New name. New home. No past. No memories. Lots of energy and the will to live. When she looks at her reflection she sees a person she doesnt   recognise. There are no laugh-lines on her face. She looks like a person who lost a lot of weight in very short span of time. Her hair is always a mess. Her eyes dont shine anymore except for when she has tears in them. She doesnt have anything to look forward to but she has a past she tries to escape. 

She hates the dark. She wakeup and hates the sunlight. She hates the music and she hates the silence. Lately all she ever feels is haterd. She was one of the strong ones once. Now shes just trembling bones and a lost soul. Will she ever find a way to the happiness she once believed was hers? 

I'm looking for him

I look for him in empty basements and leftover pizzas. I know it doesnt make any sense but I look for him on sunny days and rainy days. I look for him in night lamps and fridge lights. I look for him on the news and my facebook newsfeed. I look for him in the skies and lakes. I look for him in the deleted texts and songs. I look for him in my mirror reflections and car windows. 

I stopped making sense long ago. But lately all i ever think about is how I keep looking for him. 

I loved him and I lost him. 

When its over

And finally you realize that you can’t force “it” to be something. You can’t force consistency, loyalty or even honesty. You can’t force them to keep their word, or to communicate, or to realize something special is in front of them.

The world doesnt revolve around you

Mai ne ussay kaha mai tumse mohabbat karti hon, ussney kaha mujhe tumhari parwa nahi. Agar mai Allah se yehi kehti tu kya mujhe yehi jawab milta?

Mene ussay kaha keh tum mujhe meri galti tu batao, mene kiya kya hai? Usne kuch nahi kaha. Kya agar mai Allah yehi pochti tu uska jawab yehi hota?

Mene ussay kaha jabse tum meri zindagi mai aye ho mene apni zindagi tumharai mutabiq ji, usne mujhse kaha yeh tumari marzi thi. Agar mai apni zindagi k chund saal Allah k mutabiq jeeti tu kya bhe yehi kehta?

Mene ussay poocha aisa kya karon k tum khush ho jao? Usne kaha tumhari koi baat mujhe khush nahi kar sakti. Agar mai Allah se pochti tu kya woh bhe mujhe yehi kehta?

-Shehr-e-Zaat

You will miss him

You will miss him no matter how nicely or how badly he treated you and no matter how long or how little you had him you will miss him and you will want him to be the one that comforts you and you will want to know why he did this to you and you will scream at the world and be angry even at the flowers that grow from the soil of the earth and you will collapse on the floor like a leaf falling from its tree and you will feel lost like a tourist in a foreign city and you will feel so numb that you will have to check if your heart is even beating and I am not going to sugarcoat it for you and I am not going to tell you that he will come back and lift you out of your grave because the truth is you will have to stitch your body back together and you will have to be the one that cleans the waterfall of tears that have splashed your cheeks and no matter how much you wish for him to come back you will have to learn that most stars are already dead in light-years and you have to be the one that fixes your own gears of your contraption because you are the only one that can swim when you are drowning in your own blood.

Backfires

I always write about you. I don’t have 2 AM thoughts, instead I have all day thoughts about you and I know that seems obsessive and I hate that. But you don’t understand, you won’t understand, that when I say I can not kiss anybody else it is because you have taken all of me and absolutely crushed me, you have broken me in every single way possible and it makes me ache that it does not bother nor affect you in any way. I hate you so much but I love you and it only backfires on me because I don’t cross your mind. You simply do not care. I wish it were that easy for me to move on to forget you to not care.