"You always mess everything. You fuck every single thing from mood to situations"

"You are mental torture"

"You drive me absolutely insane and I hate you"

I cant get these thoughts out of my head.

The box kept shrinking

What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it’s like being put in a box. How you end up in there is the biggest trick – I never managed to work that one out. Maybe you think it’s a treasure box at first: you’re in there because you’re special. Soon the box starts to shrink. Every time you touch the edges there is an “argument”. So you try to make yourself fit. You curl up, become smaller, quieter, remove the excessive, offensive parts of your personality – you begin to notice lots of these. You eliminate people and interests, change your behaviour. But still the box gets smaller. You think it’s your fault. The terrible, unforgivable too-muchness of you is to blame. You don’t realise that the box is shrinking, or who is making it smaller. You don’t yet understand that you will never, ever be tiny enough to fit, or silent enough to avoid a row.

I miss wanting to be awake

I miss when I was 12 and at night I couldn't sleep because of the excitement that in the morning our science teacher would take us out for a field trip. I miss being so into a book that I would stay up until I finished reading it. Everything seems so bland now. I'm 27 now and everything is tiring. I miss wanting to be awake.

She seeked happiness once

She wants to start over. She needs a new life. New name. New home. No past. No memories. Lots of energy and the will to live. When she looks at her reflection she sees a person she doesnt   recognise. There are no laugh-lines on her face. She looks like a person who lost a lot of weight in very short span of time. Her hair is always a mess. Her eyes dont shine anymore except for when she has tears in them. She doesnt have anything to look forward to but she has a past she tries to escape. 

She hates the dark. She wakeup and hates the sunlight. She hates the music and she hates the silence. Lately all she ever feels is haterd. She was one of the strong ones once. Now shes just trembling bones and a lost soul. Will she ever find a way to the happiness she once believed was hers? 

I'm looking for him

I look for him in empty basements and leftover pizzas. I know it doesnt make any sense but I look for him on sunny days and rainy days. I look for him in night lamps and fridge lights. I look for him on the news and my facebook newsfeed. I look for him in the skies and lakes. I look for him in the deleted texts and songs. I look for him in my mirror reflections and car windows. 

I stopped making sense long ago. But lately all i ever think about is how I keep looking for him. 

I loved him and I lost him. 

When its over

And finally you realize that you can’t force “it” to be something. You can’t force consistency, loyalty or even honesty. You can’t force them to keep their word, or to communicate, or to realize something special is in front of them.

The world doesnt revolve around you

Mai ne ussay kaha mai tumse mohabbat karti hon, ussney kaha mujhe tumhari parwa nahi. Agar mai Allah se yehi kehti tu kya mujhe yehi jawab milta?

Mene ussay kaha keh tum mujhe meri galti tu batao, mene kiya kya hai? Usne kuch nahi kaha. Kya agar mai Allah yehi pochti tu uska jawab yehi hota?

Mene ussay kaha jabse tum meri zindagi mai aye ho mene apni zindagi tumharai mutabiq ji, usne mujhse kaha yeh tumari marzi thi. Agar mai apni zindagi k chund saal Allah k mutabiq jeeti tu kya bhe yehi kehta?

Mene ussay poocha aisa kya karon k tum khush ho jao? Usne kaha tumhari koi baat mujhe khush nahi kar sakti. Agar mai Allah se pochti tu kya woh bhe mujhe yehi kehta?

-Shehr-e-Zaat