Patience

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me.
I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”

—	José Micard Teixeira

"You always mess everything. You fuck every single thing from mood to situations"

"You are mental torture"

"You drive me absolutely insane and I hate you"

I cant get these thoughts out of my head.

The box kept shrinking

What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it’s like being put in a box. How you end up in there is the biggest trick – I never managed to work that one out. Maybe you think it’s a treasure box at first: you’re in there because you’re special. Soon the box starts to shrink. Every time you touch the edges there is an “argument”. So you try to make yourself fit. You curl up, become smaller, quieter, remove the excessive, offensive parts of your personality – you begin to notice lots of these. You eliminate people and interests, change your behaviour. But still the box gets smaller. You think it’s your fault. The terrible, unforgivable too-muchness of you is to blame. You don’t realise that the box is shrinking, or who is making it smaller. You don’t yet understand that you will never, ever be tiny enough to fit, or silent enough to avoid a row.

I miss wanting to be awake

I miss when I was 12 and at night I couldn't sleep because of the excitement that in the morning our science teacher would take us out for a field trip. I miss being so into a book that I would stay up until I finished reading it. Everything seems so bland now. I'm 27 now and everything is tiring. I miss wanting to be awake.

She seeked happiness once

She wants to start over. She needs a new life. New name. New home. No past. No memories. Lots of energy and the will to live. When she looks at her reflection she sees a person she doesnt   recognise. There are no laugh-lines on her face. She looks like a person who lost a lot of weight in very short span of time. Her hair is always a mess. Her eyes dont shine anymore except for when she has tears in them. She doesnt have anything to look forward to but she has a past she tries to escape. 

She hates the dark. She wakeup and hates the sunlight. She hates the music and she hates the silence. Lately all she ever feels is haterd. She was one of the strong ones once. Now shes just trembling bones and a lost soul. Will she ever find a way to the happiness she once believed was hers? 

I'm looking for him

I look for him in empty basements and leftover pizzas. I know it doesnt make any sense but I look for him on sunny days and rainy days. I look for him in night lamps and fridge lights. I look for him on the news and my facebook newsfeed. I look for him in the skies and lakes. I look for him in the deleted texts and songs. I look for him in my mirror reflections and car windows. 

I stopped making sense long ago. But lately all i ever think about is how I keep looking for him. 

I loved him and I lost him. 

When its over

And finally you realize that you can’t force “it” to be something. You can’t force consistency, loyalty or even honesty. You can’t force them to keep their word, or to communicate, or to realize something special is in front of them.

The world doesnt revolve around you

Mai ne ussay kaha mai tumse mohabbat karti hon, ussney kaha mujhe tumhari parwa nahi. Agar mai Allah se yehi kehti tu kya mujhe yehi jawab milta?

Mene ussay kaha keh tum mujhe meri galti tu batao, mene kiya kya hai? Usne kuch nahi kaha. Kya agar mai Allah yehi pochti tu uska jawab yehi hota?

Mene ussay kaha jabse tum meri zindagi mai aye ho mene apni zindagi tumharai mutabiq ji, usne mujhse kaha yeh tumari marzi thi. Agar mai apni zindagi k chund saal Allah k mutabiq jeeti tu kya bhe yehi kehta?

Mene ussay poocha aisa kya karon k tum khush ho jao? Usne kaha tumhari koi baat mujhe khush nahi kar sakti. Agar mai Allah se pochti tu kya woh bhe mujhe yehi kehta?

-Shehr-e-Zaat

You will miss him

You will miss him no matter how nicely or how badly he treated you and no matter how long or how little you had him you will miss him and you will want him to be the one that comforts you and you will want to know why he did this to you and you will scream at the world and be angry even at the flowers that grow from the soil of the earth and you will collapse on the floor like a leaf falling from its tree and you will feel lost like a tourist in a foreign city and you will feel so numb that you will have to check if your heart is even beating and I am not going to sugarcoat it for you and I am not going to tell you that he will come back and lift you out of your grave because the truth is you will have to stitch your body back together and you will have to be the one that cleans the waterfall of tears that have splashed your cheeks and no matter how much you wish for him to come back you will have to learn that most stars are already dead in light-years and you have to be the one that fixes your own gears of your contraption because you are the only one that can swim when you are drowning in your own blood.

Backfires

I always write about you. I don’t have 2 AM thoughts, instead I have all day thoughts about you and I know that seems obsessive and I hate that. But you don’t understand, you won’t understand, that when I say I can not kiss anybody else it is because you have taken all of me and absolutely crushed me, you have broken me in every single way possible and it makes me ache that it does not bother nor affect you in any way. I hate you so much but I love you and it only backfires on me because I don’t cross your mind. You simply do not care. I wish it were that easy for me to move on to forget you to not care. 

He love you a little

“The hardest part of walking away is accepting that your love isn’t enough to inspire change. Then one day you realize you were fighting to love someone more than you fought to love yourself.”

—

R.R.

Love is horrible

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
“
— Neil Gaiman

Koi Umeed - Mirza Ghalib

Koi umeed bar nahi ati
koi soorat nazar nahi ati

Moat ka aik din mo-ayeeyan hai
neend kyun raat bar nahi ati

Agay ati thi hal-e-dil pe hansee
ab kisi baat per nahi ati

Jaanta hoon sawab-e-teyat-o-zohad
per tabiyaat udher nahi ati

Hai kuch aisee hai baat jo chup hoon
warna kiya baat ker nahi ati

Kiyon na cheekhon ke yaad kartay hein
meri awaaz gar nahin ati

Daag-e-dil gar nazar nahin ata
boo bhi ae chaaraagar nahi ati

Hum wahan hain jahan say hum Ko bhi
kuch hamari khabar nahi ati

Martay hein arzoo mein marnay ki
moat ati hai per nahi ati

Kabah kis moun say jao gay Ghalib
Sharam tum ko magar nahi ati