I've always heard my mother say, "yeh maujein maa baap k sar pe hoti hein"
Because we live in a nuclear family, our interaction with our relatives is limited to dinners/get togethers/mangi/shadi/funerals/eid etc. and we have never lived at other people's houses (not even sleepovers) to experience anything minutely related to how people treat other person's children. But my mum also says: "waqt humesha aik sa nahi rehta, chahay acha ho ya bura". - Time changes, either good or bad.
One of my khala is a divorcee, and she never remarried. She has her reasons, two little children are just happen to top the reason list. A few days before coming to Canada, I happened to come across her letters which she wrote to my mum. She was divorced in 1995. She wrote letters to my mum about how difficult her life was and how she wanted nothing but for the misery to end. I asked my mum what she wrote back, her answer: "Mene sabarr karne ko bola tha" - I told her to stay patient!
And then my mum told me how she wanted her sister to stay patient because she had two kids, and how hard life will be for them if she took the socially forbidden step of divorce. Long story cut short she ended up being divorced and has lived on her since. But I've seen how everybody treats those little cousins of mine. Don't even try to argue with me about how times have changed and how our generation has better minds and open hearts, because no nothing has changed, might have worsened but I've seen no good improvements. I've seen my khala's son sit dejected in a room full of happy faces, but smiles faded as soon as their eyes flickered across his face. I've seen my khala's daughter being made fun of because she had to wait for the new month to get the new shoes unlike everybody else. I've seen the pain on my khala's face. I've seen it all.
I'm only trying to bring you to the actual point of this post. Parents no matter how rich and comfortable they are or even poor and misers they are, they are children's shields'. They are our umbrella from this harsh reality we call life. It would now be a lie if I said, "I've not seen the horrific eyes of people or the ugly faces they hide behind the smiles."
I've seen enough now. I will omit what my story regarding these two-faced people is, but I just hope the world starts accepting single parents/orphans other majboor humans who can't even say what their sorry-story is and starts behaving themselves.
Oukhay painday lammiyaan ney rahwa'an ishq diyaan
Dard jiggar sakht sazawaa'an ishq diyaan
Allah hoo..
Phoolan wargi jindri ishq roulla chadd dah
Sar'ay bazaar chah'way ishq nachaa chadd dah
Hayai khakk na chadd day veekh wafa'waan ishq diyaan
Oukhay painday laamiyan rahwa'an ishq diyaan
Allah hoo..
Sajj'naa baajo'n jaat sifaata'an ishq diyaan
Vakhri kulli din tey raata'an ishq diyaan
Hayai wich chauda'an tabaak andaar chaawa'an ishq diyan
Oukhay painday laammiyan rahwa'an ishqy diyaan
Allah hoo..
Ishq di hussti, masti yaar mitta dey'way
Agg ishq di, dil di dhunni jaga dey'way
Bullay waang nachavaan taraan ishq diyan
Oukhay paiday laamiyan rahwa'an ishq diyan
Allah hoo
I've been meaning to do this post since forever now. But before we start, lets get some facts straight. I'm a muslim, neither a liberal nor a conservative. Religion is a personal choice but it isn't a joke. I've my ideas and my beliefs and I don't think being a sunni, shia, wahabi, barelvi makes much difference. This post is mostly coming forward because I'm sick of all the people either acting as religious extremist and/or extreme liberals. In 1433 years we've come this far. Amazing how we decide who deserves to live and who should die. From the very beginning, Let us have Oxford online dictionary define religion and for us.
Religion, according to its definition, is not only Islam. Now that we have clear in our heads, lets see how blasphemy is defined,
Since we already know now that Islam isn't the only religion on the planet (which we seem to have forgotten lately) blasphemy is clearly not only committed against Islam.
Islam is defined by the Oxford online dictionary as:
Most of the people take the liberty to talk just because they have a tongue/ a medium (internet/social networking sites) they think they can comment on religion ours (islam) or others. What everybody seem to have forgotten is this Surah from the Holy Qu'ran:
Keeping the current happenings in mind, let me explain it in detail, Surah Kafiroon defines the right attitude for the people who reject faith, and faith is a matter of personal conviction. Surah further states, that believers will not worship what the non-believers bow down to, and the disbelievers will not bow down to what you believe in. And the last Ayaah - 'Lakum deen'o kum, waalee ya deen' "To you (non-believers) be your way and to me mine" in decisive that let their religion be for them, and keep practicing in what you believe in.
I'd also like to share Treaty between our Prophet Muhammad (saww) and Chirstians, shared by Anas Razaaq initially:
I disapprove of everyone who is delusional about him/herself that they are God, and they get to decide who is/isn't a muslim. Thats for Him to decide, and don't we have a Day of Judgement promised, why are we being so cruel?
I'd also like to address, the counter argument coming from the fundamentalists -
God and his Prophet has instructed the believers to preach goodness and stop evil, and in return believers have been promised great rewards. The Hadith states that, evil should be stopped with power of hand, if that isn't possible, stop the evil with negotiation (power of tongue/coversation) and if that isn't possible the believer should dislike/disapprove (hate) the evil with his heart only. Nowhere in the Hadith I was able to find the hierarchy of the said actions. Say why would anyone start with killing/burning other people instead of preaching them against the evil first?
For example, When a child does something wrong, parents/guardians don't start with spanking them or punishing them right away, do they? There is a logical way to teach/preach. We as muslims have probably forgotten that it exists. Our sole emphasis is on:
'Ammar bil maaroof ohnaahee unn almunqir' and we have absolutely given up on practicing Islam in real sense and with logic. If we are true believers, why do we forget that, Allah (God) has promised the protection of Holy Qu'ran Himself? Evidence:
We, Muslims, have forgotten to guard our faith against our own evil and think it is more important for us correct others (that too, without correcting our own selves).
Now the other kind of extremist, the liberals!
Today in the afternoon, I came across the link:
I don't even know how to react. Mostly because people like Veena Malik and Lady Gaga are respected and this person didn't even think twice before he abused a national mufti. If this is Liberalism, I'm better off being a conservative. Because I'd chose the lesser evil. His ending words, "Rab raaa-kha, jey rabb hai" Clearly if his father was a paanch waqt ka namaazi, he forgot to teach his son one minor thing, trust and faith in God. This person doesn't even know that 'Iblees' aka Shaitaan was/is NOT an angel (Farishta) but a Jinn. And there he considers himself relevant and important enough to comment on religion.
What people forget is a thin line between believing and disbelieving. I'd never want to be one of the people, who doubt Allah's existence. Not now, not ever. I'm not quoting anything from the Qu'ran for liberals, not because I don't see any hope in them, but because I don't see any use arguing with people who's argument can go as low as saying, "When you like following the Sunnah of Holy Prophet so much, you should be calling Pakistan, Bakistan, because that how he would have said it."
I have no words. Nothing to say to people who make fun of Prophet Muhammad (saww). Our Creator loves the Prophet and we as his creation are making fun of his beloved Muhammad (saww)? We deserve everything Pakistan is going through.
"O believers! Take not as friends those upon whom is Allah's wrath. They are indeed despaired of the Hereafter as the infidels are despaired of the inmate of the graves"
Last night after I read this comment on my post about Faiz sahab, I was left feeling guilty. Precisely because someone who has been reading his work for over two decades considers himself short of words when it comes to talking about Faiz Ahmed Faiz.
I will however still write about this book that introduced me to Faiz sahab's poetry because, one its not as difficult to understand as I had initially assumed and two it is relatable and three his poetry gives me hope. And hope for a person like me is the magic potion that saves lives.
I'd like to share the poem from the title of the "Hum jeetay ji masroof rahai"
Woh log bohat khush kismat thai
Jo ishq ko kaam samjhtai thai
Ya kaam se ishq kartey thai
Hum jeetay ji masroof rahai
Kuch ishq kiya, kuch kaam kiya
Kaam ishq key aahrey ata raha
Aur ishq se kaam uljhata raha
Phir akhir tungg aa ker hum ne
Dono ko adhora chorrh diya
- Faiz Ahmed Faiz
No, I had never read this before. And it gives this heavy feeling in chest, where my supposed heart feels restless. Restless because the last line of the poem will haunt me forever. I've had two line from this poem stuck in my head - Hum jeetay ji masroof rahai / Dono ko adhora chorrh diya.
Punjabi poetry for me was limited to punjabi songs from Pakistan and from across the border. The only Punjabi poets I knew of were Baba Bullah Shah, Sultan Bahu, Baba Farid and Waris Shah. When I reached the Punjabi Poems' chapter of the book, I was taken aback. Mostly because with the kind of urdu Faiz Sahab used didn't even slightly flicker Punjabi accent in it and Punjabi poetry is immensely influenced by sufism. And unlike other famous Punjabi poets Faiz sahab wasn't a sufi.
Agha Nasir, the author of the book, states that Faiz sahab believed that some subjects for poetry are better expressed in Punjabi. Faiz sahab believed that Folk songs couldn't be sung in Urdu. Poems and songs about countryside, farmers are better suited for Punjabi language.
It took me a while to grasp Punjabi written in Urdu but this poem like everything else I had already read in the book before it was a master piece on its own.
Meethray yaar mere, jani yaar mere
Tere qoul tey asaa'an wasa kar key
Jhaanjhara'n waa'ng, zunjeera'n chunkaaiyan ney
Kaddi kaa'ni mundaara'n paaiyan ney
Kaddi paai'ri bairiyaan chhai'yan ney
But Faiz Ahmed once said about his Punjabi poetry: "Baaee baat yoon hai, itna parhney likhney aur riyazaat key baad hum shaayed Ghalib jaisa aik adha shaaer keh leyn gay, lakin agar saari umer bhe lagay rahain tu Bullay Shah aur Waris Shah jaisa aik bhe nahi keh saktey."
In 1935 he had to move to Amritsar from Lahore. There he met a well versed couple, Sahibzada Mehmood Al Zaffar and Doctor Rasheed Jehan. Mr. Mehmood was a vice principal at local college and his wife was a doctor by profession. They were both Marxists. When they met Faiz Ahmed, he was madly in love and they soon found out about it. It was then that they tried to convience the young Faiz sahab by saying:
"Tum ishq aur aashiq key chakkar mai parray ho. Yeh sab fazool baat hai. Dunya key jo dukh hein unn ki nauyaat ziyada sangeen hai. Ashiqi ka yeh tumhara chota sa mumalah hai."
According to Faiz sahab, Doctor Rasheed Jehan taught him that personal miseries are minor as compared to the global issues and fretting over personal matters is but only selfishness. And it was then that Faiz's poetry was transformed from love to revolutionary and political.
Faiz sahab's poems have been sung time and again by renowned singers but when Madam Noor Jehan sung this piece by him, all he had to say was, "Yeh nazum ab humari nahi rahi. Hum ney tu yeh Madam Noor Jehan ko dey di hai."
I've probably made my point here. Faiz Sahab's poetry like Sami Saayer said, has hit me hard.
I just have to confess this, my urdu reading is not as good as it should have been since its my national language and my expression isn't as strong as I wanted given that I converse in urdu most of the times. I've never read any urdu books, except for maybe my course books and this one book that was written by Wasif Ali Wasif. Anyway, living away from home, and missing all the minor, unnecessary things, my love for our languages has increased. We as a nation, are allowing other languages to take over. And hence I decided to borrow an Urdu literature book from the library and try reading it. My love for the poetry narrowed my choice and I didn't consider borrowing prose. Of all the poets I've read, Faiz Ahmed Faiz's poetry has always fascinated me. Difficult to understand at first but has a great cause and deeper meaning than that, a person initially understands.
And so I picked this one book from library that is written by Agha Nasir, who explains his poetry, his life and why he (Faiz sb) made it big.
I opened the book and randomly stopped at the ghazal, sung by non other than Iqbal Bano, while I read it, Iqbal Bano sang it virtually in my head and reading this felt like my mind could sing, but ofcourse, silently. The poem is:
Ofcourse I knew he (Faiz sb) was talking about a revolution here, what I had never known before this book was this poem was specifically written about, the Iranian Revolution. The author, Mr. Nasir, states that:
"Aur Faiz sahab ko yaqeen tha keh dunya ki har muzloom aur mehqoom qaum kabhi nah kabhi aisa din zaroor deekhay gi."
And Mr. Nasir further quotes Faiz sb about the Iraian Revolution saying"
"yeh apni kisam ka bara inqalaab hai. Inqalaab-e-farrans key baad iss kisam ka inqalaab dunya mai nahi aya. Roos, Cheen, Vietnam waghera key inqabon mai taarfeen ki faujon key darmiyan jungg thi. Iran mai bar-raheyraast awaan ki fauj aur hakoomati idaaron ki larayi hoee hai. Yahan par awaam ney fauj ko harayah hai."
What the good thing about reading my favorite ghazal and its background and poet's positive outlook on life and Nation is that it gave me hope. A hope for a better Pakistan, one day, InshahaAllah.
Ramadan is almost over and I didn't lose much weight. But thats not what this post is about.
This post is about our attitude towards Eid. Its saddening to see how hating everything is mainstream these days. But hating Eid? Lets take some examples from the tweets and get this done.
You have to be kidding me. Because Eid is probably the only islamic festival, muslims have. And talking about it like its a burden is NOT acceptable. Whats wrong with catching up with relatives once a year? Whats wrong in dressing up because its your damn religious festival? Even if its a fashion show, is it wrong to dress up and celebrate just one day because our Prophet also wore new clothes on Eid and met friends and relatives and common muslims.
I'm sure these people have nothing against dressing up as a dog or a frog for halloween. They have nothing against dressing up/or not but attending after parties but yes they can't meet their relatives and they can always bitch about everything on the social media because thats how hatred is cool.
Next issue for eid being:
How hard is it to understand that:
Eid is celebrated with new moon birth.
Moon can take birth in any part of the globe and doesn't have to be synchronized with time zone. For example, Technically, sunsets in Pakistan first and moon should be sighted after Maghrib prayers in Pakistan at first but if new moon is born after 5 hours and they sight it in Arabia and announce Eid, Pakistan will NOT have eid until next day. DO YOU GUYS HAVE COMMON SENSE OR NOT?
What difference does celebrating eid on the same day makes anyway? Its not like people from Pakistan and people from Arabia and/or people from Canada can't wish eid even if they have their eid with a delay of a day or few hours.
And then there are people like him:
Everything's a joke. Because YOLO. Well the bad news is, you dont YOLO, because there is life after death.
I try to flee from places where I see black guys. They make me uncomfortable and I see myself being mugged, stabbed, kidnapped, raped, murdered, everything until I lose the sight of them.
Arabs, according to me, view religion as they please, they also have this arrogant belief that Islam is only their religion, they're the only true muslims and everybody else can be bullied.
I have nothing against the Chinese or far east nations, they're hardworking and friendly.
While growing up, watching all those cheesy indian movies with zillions of dances on the roadsides with people wearing uniform clothes from the hero-heroine to the extras, I used to believe everybody in India: (a) Wore uniform clothes. (b) Danced on roads/seasides/mountains/everywhere with whole lot of extras with them.
I don't know if its racism or what, but I believed everybody who left Pakistan and settled in the US or Britain, was either driving a taxi or woking at a fastfood.
'Angrez begairat hotai hein'
Australians are only good at two things, (a) Every sports they play, (b) Being a better racist than me.
Confessions of a Muslim
Just like about every other muslim on the planet right now, I think, I can pray five times a day, fast in Ramadan, contribute to charity, perform Hajj and along with these I can go on bitching about people, I can lie and abuse and misuse power and I can play my part in corruption.
God will forgive my sins because I'm a muslim, and He loves His beloved Prophet Mohammad's Ummah.
I don't need to do anything about the current sufferings of muslims because it's God's will and I can't change what God has written as a fate for us.
Confessions of a Confused Pakistani
I am aware that my vote matters, but I don't want to vote for any of the current active politicians. No, not even Imran Khan.
Its not a very proud moment but being a Punjabi Pakistani, I could never master even one language, I can speak punjabi very well, can't read or write it. I can read, speak and write urdu but not like I would have wanted with Urdu being our national language. I can speak, read and write english but expressing myself solely in english can be a hassle at times. Because when I'm angry, punjabi's the only language I can think in.
I would rather have Afghan, Persian and Chinese as friend nations as compared to United States. I don't believe in long distance friendships.
Everybody who doesn't live in Lahore, Islamabad, Karachi, Peshawar, Faisalabad is an illiterate farmer who has never heard of family planning.
I hate how arrogant the people of Karachi are. Pakistan goes far beyond Karachi and Sindh.
I have no hope for any better changes in Pakistan with this new generation taking over, because I know better.
Confessions of a 26 years old
Freedom to life still seems like a fancy book term to me.
Having lived half my expected life span single, I see no way of ever surrendering to an argument with my future husband.
Really need a digital camera with wifi and apps so I can take picture from my hi-res camera and upload them on instagram directly.
Typos are not an embarrassment any longer. They're a source of laughter for me and everybody I know.
A month back I didn't want to lose weight, now I want to. Anything for shotai.
I've probably missed a lot of things I could have included but this shall do for now.
It wouldn't be wrong if I told you I couldn't pass Mathematics if my life depended on it. Unfortunately, I had Math during my intermediate years. Though its not a proud moment from anyone else's perspective but after my first year result was out, I had only scored 37 out of 100 in math. While my mum was busy telling me how my result has been affected by my mathless brains, I was busy offering salah-te-shukarana, for only I know it was impossible for me to clear something I barely understood.
Then came my second year at college. I went to college every working day, but I never attended any classes. By the time, the term was ending, the college administration sent a notice to my residence stating that they wouldn't be able to send my registration on college's behalf to the Board authorities. I'll skip what happened at my place after that letter and continue with how I convinced my college administration that I couldn't attend college for those 3-4 months. I'll also skip the lies I told them about why I couldn't make it to college for one whole term. The Vice Principal decided to give me a shot, and arranged to special exams that were only conducted for me, luckily for me, I passed those, and was allowed to register from college for the federal board exams.
I passed the maths exam because my parents got me math tutor and I hated him, but thanks to that bloke I cleared my mocks.
Finally, I was done with intermediate and was waiting for result, praying regularly, being nice to everyone around, only so I could pass this last exam. Nothing was more important then passing board exams back then. And then one fine day, the Federal Board announced the result.
I logged in to their website, but it wasn't working and I decided to call the board office and ask for my result. As soon as the guy picked up I told him my roll number to which he replied, "Fail hein ap" If I could have died of heart failure, that was the moment, magar mai dheet, I' "Kya matlab?" He replied, "Bibi aik bhe subject nahi clear apka" and then I heard toot toot toot, because he had disconnected. Standing there thinking about what had gone wrong and how the hell I would ever face anybody again in life, tears running down my face when my mum came downstairs and started, "karalya hun zaleel saanu?"
And the phone rang, my younger sister checked the caller ID and said: "fishie its your friend natasha." I couldn't muster up courage to take the phone and my mum refused to talk to me or anyone, hence my sister picked up. I could hear natasha's excited voice through the phone and I wanted to die. I took the phone and congratulated her and told her I've failed. She couldn't believe it. And asked for my roll number, because the board website was working at her place. I told her my roll number and she started laughing. She was laughing when I felt nothing but remorse on my very existence. Thats when I screamed at her, "Mubarak ho tumhe tumharai marks" and she sobered a bit and told me that the roll number I was telling her was my first year's roll number and I needed to check my second year's roll number slip.
I ran upstairs checked my roll number and told her and found out that I hadn't actually failed but the first thing she told me was, "you've 33 in math"
Through that day I know, how it feels to fail a course, or a year altogether. I'm glad it was only temporary though. I always double check things now.
I will never forget that horrible moment when the guy said, "Ap fail hein."
I still have nightmares about it. But I'm glad I could tell my mother at the end, "Nahi karaya thuwanu zaleel" and hugged her.
This is an old note I wrote when I came to canada in 2009 Still miss Islamabad just the same, posting this because I'm bored.
Adding this picture, because he once said, he loves Islamabad's view from Monal.
I know Islamabad is going to miss me and I know its going to be a LOT. Islamabad - the beautiful. My love. Mo Chrio. There were times when at night I would lay on my bed and think how I would grow old and MORE useless (hahaha) and not get tired of living in that heaven. I would be sitting in a class and drift into day dreams about how I loved this city and someday I would be buried in the very soil of it. I was a show-off, I thought I was a better girl and lived in a better place than everybody else because they lived NOT in Islamabad.
I'm sure it would miss me like I miss it.
Now nobody would argue with an elder that ISLAMABAD is ISLAMABAD and DHA ISLAMABAD is in RAWALPINDI. And that someday I would file a petition against the wrong usage of my town's name in an outer territory.
A 60 kg, fat, 22 year old, short haired fish would no longer walk on the lovable streets.
Islamabad misses its behan-trio already. The unbreakable, unbeatable, unbearable trio.
The town would miss me. The new found heroine.
lol.
Am not bragging about it or anything, but I think I am THE HEROINE.
A opposite of two? Can't answer, it’s a lonely me and a lonely Islamabad-the beautiful. Now would anyone look after the street lights and register a complain that one on the ibne sina road which is miles away from my home wasn’t lit. Who would right suggestions and drop them in the comment boxes? Who would send appreciation letters to the CDA chairman who made my town look more beautiful, and I never even thought it was even possible. Not that I did all this stuff, but I planned to do it, someday, when I grew old enough.
A someone who went out with her baba to a medical store to fetch some medicine and on her way back brought ice-creams from McDonalds. Would ever, Islamabad see another, who loved been driven around the city just for fun?
I would guide people to their destinations without even being with them. I know Islamabad by Inch and centimeters. I knew every corner and street. I knew I would never get lost here. I knew no one could take me any where strange with in Islamabad. Haha, Didnt I get those bastards caught?
Who would go the Mei Hoe now? Who would get hair-cuts just for fun? Who would ask Stephaney where she got her new top from? Who would pass by Mimi’s house and blow kisses and text her, I just passed by your house and waved and blah blah blah.
I know I’m not the only one, I know I wasn’t the last one. I know I might only be dazed. But I know even if Islamabad doesn’t miss me. I MISS IT. And would every single day of eternity.
It scares me when I get close to people, because either I'll continue to grow closer to them or I'll stop and we'll become strangers. Either way it'll hurt (sooner or later).
I was a happy person once. Notorious to an extend that my teachers would make me sit alone and/or on their desk. Those things never worked, because I was one of the unstoppables. From taking an exam for a friend who feared failing the course for the third time to shutting the power supply of the whole campus while we had a VIP guest for an event. Was always caught but managed to crawl out of the claws with this little notorious brain of mine. And then I got tried of being all that.
I got tired of always being happy and the kind of a girl who solved most of her problems with quick thinking and cunning reactions. I got tired of how everything I did or said was taken for a cheap practical joke. I got tired of me.
And the friends that you allow to get yourself close to, are the ones who hurt you and leave you without an explanation or even an apology. That's when you discover their true colors and get to know who they are.
I wish she was a human (only so I could bring her to Canada with me). I had never imagined caring for a bird as much, and it startles me to find myself loving you as much as I do.
I keep texting baba and ask him to send me your pictures and talk about you all day. Roam pointlessly around the house and look for you, even though I know you're not here, you're never been here. I tell your tales to my friends here. Nobody believes your love for coke and ice-cubes. Then I showed them this picture:
I miss how you knocked on the almond jar and asked for those badaams and I miss how you nibbled on my ears and beaked my cheeks and lips. feepy :(
I miss how you woke me up every morning with pulling my eyelids softly with your beak (yes, and I didn't mind and/or got hurt). Miss how you meowed when I got back home after long day at office. You've been to my office and showed everyone how well behaved you little thing are:
Dear little parrot, I'll be back home. With love and hopes of finding my pet all grown up <3
No matter how strong I appear, I'm very weak and sometimes the thing that keeps me standing is hug from Wu or a text from Cracker or the faith reviving stories from Famaay.
Wuwu
A younger twin sister. The person I can fight with when I'm angry at the world and not feel guilty about it. The youngest in the grandpa Enver's family. The girl who keeps falling for fictional characters and the telly celebs and a specific douche bag over and over again that she forgets to notice the nice ones arounds her. She has supported me in my worst and I've hated her with all my heart at times. But we have stuck together. She is my little angel, my gift from God, my shield from the ruthless world, my super-power that helps me survive.
Cracker Girls remember everything - they are correct when they say that. I, for instance, remember the day I first talked to him back in 2004. I remember I our fight. The first time i shed tears. The first time we met. The time he hacked into my computer. Jokes he told, the picture he showed. Every single thing. I remember the time my parents found out about him. I remember staying awake through the nights for him. He's the guy I've truly loved. The one I've cried myself to sleep for. The guy I met who was the strangest stranger. A nameless entity with a faceless identity. The person I pray for. I've lost my heart to guy who knows how to take care of a thing someone has trusted him with.
Famay
I rarely form attachments to people, and I don't really trust people. I keep expecting people to back stab me. Long term friends worry; I keep falling off the radar, not calling or texting, not posting my thoughts online. When I get down and depressed, I feel I have no one I can talk to, I turtle up and hide away. I remember how I hated you when I met you, how you still make fun of me while I make those faces when I meet new people. You've done what no friend has ever done for me. You listen to my bullshit and not judge me. You take care of my pet while I'm out of town. And most importantly you support my irrational love story. We'll be the old ladies who run around the malls, stalk cute guys on facebook. We'll cry to the rock-band-songs you love and re-read our stories over and over to each other. You'll be the one sipping tea while I'll still be on iced cappuccinos.
Last I talked to him. We weren't even in a fight or anything. This has never happened before. And I'm not used to being ignored, not by him atleast. I don't know if I'm over reacting, I might as well be dead than feel this.
I have no idea how life without him is. But I'm sure its not easy. My brain's killing me. My thoughts are horrible and I'd give away anything right now just to hear from him. I hope he's alright.
This blog post is coming out because of 'The Teacher' who loves to hate the poor nasal singer, who has made it big, thanks to the popular Coke Studio, Bilal Khan, is winning hearts and/or making people wish they were deaf or even better should make their ears bleed, which surely would hurt them less.
I didn't even had the courage to put myself through the torture of listening to 'Taraay' simply because we have singers likeQuaid-e-Tehreek Altaaaf Bhai in the house. Secretly I was wishing Bilal Khan to be replaced with Altaf Hussein, the legendary singer. There would have been some entertainment for the Wapda ki sataayi hoee gareeb awaam. But in 26 years of my life, I've grown to accept that not all wishes come true. Not everybody I hate dies on spot. ALAS!
Ever since Bilal Khan's Bachana came out, I've been wondering if he had these zehreeli choontiyan in chaddi (poisonous ants in his boxers) which makes him sound cringing and shrieking with pain, but still sounds to some of our very own music lovers and Coke Studio addicts like the next Alamgir. Coming to a more pressing point, why have the kunwaray naujawans started wearing clothes like they are nau-daulaati aunties jinki nawayi nawayi lottery lagi ho who love wearing banaarsi /fancy clothes all the time. Bilal Khan is one of such (aunties cum naujawaan) who looks like a Dulha apni zaati shadi mai Abdullah deewana.
Now that I have the chance I mustn't let it slip away in away. A couple of months back, Bilal Khan and Pakistan's new and modern Reshma (Hint: Humsafar singer) came out with remix and re-enactment of the ever famous Alamgir gem, deekhna na tha. Everybody on my FB friend's list to youtube feedback/comments went cuckoo over their heart touching voices. Saddens me to break this to you, but I can't even decide who was worse in that song. QB has failed to sing one single personal track of her own is surviving via covers and Bilal Khan ko tu bunda bolay bhe tu kya bolay, pighaali hoee kulfi jesa muh hai uska, uspe uski awaz, sonay pe sohaagan. Yeh dono roshan sitara nahi, toota hua tara, jo zameen pe Allah k azaab bun k girtay hein Pakistan pe.
Pakistan faces many problems, adha marasi, Coke Studio k back to back seasons mai perform kara hai, isssay bari bad-kismati yeh hai k abhi tak Malik Riaz ne Gaana nahi gaya (WHY?). I can't even express my disappointment at our reaction towards music. Our music industry was world's best, we had singers like Ustaad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, Mehdi Hassan, Malka Tarumun Noor Jehan, Alamgir, Nazia & Zohaib Hassan; Bands like Vital Signs, Junoon. People (self proclaimed singers) like Bilal Khan, Uzair Jaswal (I almost forgot Sahir Lodhi) and many others of the sort are spoiling the definition of music and wrecking the pronunciation of entire Urdu Langauge.
Allah Madad kerey apki aur apke dimagh ki agar Bilal Khan abhi bhe pasand hai apko.
"Her philosophy of life was that she might die any moment. But the tragedy, she said, was that she didn't." - I don't know who said that or why, I just find it relevant, and thats enough.
There are things I need to do. Apart from sending him the draft for a request for sponsorship I should be drinking loads of water and green tea and need to get the following piece of latest information out of my mind:
Just yesterday I heard that one of my mother's cousin had her daughter engaged to this guy in Canada who had not even completed his high-school and earns a living by driving a delivery truck. The only possible excuse for this is my Aunt wants her daughter to have a secure future which includes doing the dishes, laundry and all the house chores with a Masters degree in Software engineering for a guy who can hardly talk sense in one straight sentence but lift weight like a chimpanzee.
Our parents still live in an age where they think they are doing the best for their beloved children but this love blinds them to a hurtful extent. I'm sure my mother's Cousin didn't even ask her daughter if she was okay with the Canadian-guy or if she had someone else in mind at all. Even more tragic part of the story is that the girl didn't raise her voice against the injustice and has excepted it has fate. So much for the 'Bachiyon ko aala taleem dilwayein'
Now coming to even more pressing issue. My phopho, lately has been calling my mum up and feeding her with the lame bullshit that the divorce rates are high because of the internet (which according to my Aunt is limited to social networking sites such as Facebook or emails only). She says: "ujj kal pehle maa baap viyah tey ker dinday ney par jadd kurriyan aglaai khaar jaandiyan ney tey admi unnaa'an dey facebook tey yaar deekh dey ney fayr talaaqan hondiyaan ney." (The parents find the best matches for their girls but the girls are married off and the husband finds out about her facebook male friends the marriage abruptly ends in divorce). So much for the best matches. These men (newly wed husbands) are from the same mind sets as my Phopho and others from her generation. Not everyone on facebook friend list is a boyfriend and not all girls think that the matches parents find for them are the best. (I hate breaking the ice here for my phopho).
One of my Aunts (Yes I know I have a twisted family) thinks that marriages should only take place between people who belong to the same caste. Sigh. I don't know how and why she has this obsessive compulsive disorder and what religious facts she has gathered to back up her theory. Its only mind boggling to be a part of a family that has such serious intentions of fouls against their own baby girls. And the highlight of the problem is, its always the mothers and aunts that support these lame ideas.
Its frustrating and hard to fight but girls, stand up for your life. You own it. Your parents have (no doubts about it) sacrificed a lot for you but they shouldn't be the ones snatching your right to life of personal choice.
Everything doesn't always have to make sense - I have to keep reminding myself of that.
When I last met my friends for dinner and they had "Sheila ki Jawani" playing in the longue and I said, "I hate that song" And one of them said, "Well you have to admit its catchy."
Now had I been the girl who shuts up once someone raises an opinion against mine, the matter would've been settled.
I responded, "Its a plague and its catchy, that doesn't make it fucking good."
That left her speechless and left me at peace. But that also left me one friend less, again.
But then their is my life. I want to scream for help. Send out multiple signals for help. I'm only rude to people because they're mean to me or they'll be once I don't be rude to them. I've a right to life too. Or do I? I've never really allowed many people past my walls. I'm the kind of a girl who'll pretend that nothing matters while my heart can be exploding with everything that does. Most of my thoughts and mind power is consumed with only one thought all day, everyday - "Focus! Don't let them see you cry."
I'm not making much sense. But I am to myself.
Hope can do wonders, even tiniest bit of it. I'm hoping one day I'll fit into the definition of pretty for this society and then I'll be allowed to survive without being hurtfully questioned.
I've had a long tiring life. After everything I've been through, I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone. I like listening to the music alone and I like walking home alone. I've been on my own for soo long that being around people makes me uncomfortable. I hate crowded places and noise. When I see a happy family in a car, a girl with a boy holding hands, friends laughing over something, I realize that even though I like being alone but I don't fancy being lonely.
